so i’m thinking of editing my about me section. it should include these:

disclaimer: for people who doubt and ask several stupid such as > is she brilliant enough to motivate me? to get me off my couch? to rage through the nights high on caffeine and ideals? is she as arrogant as i think?

my answer >

i give as good as i get

i love harder than a junkie

i eat bugs and animals i can’t pronounce

i cuddle like you’re the last kitten

i go down swinging

i eat cupcakes for dinner

and i sleep through sunsets/sunrise because they are boring anyway

i guess i just haven’t fully wrapped my head around really forgiving.

there is so much that i wish that i could unsee. unlike the way that i wish i could unfeel. or maybe thats wrong. maybe thats what i need. a jolt. a punch to the gut. i violent and passionate kick to the fucking spine. something to get me out of this haze. and thats what i thought i would do today. “fuck it, im tough enough.”

im not.

im not doing well. dont ask and i wont tell. dont ask and make me lie. because i will. i will lie to you. i will smile and laugh and grit my teeth and think about how i just need to make it one more day. just one more and it will be fine. tomorrow is bright and sunny and warm. tomorrow will be better. it always is. but today. oh, today is a son of a bitch. today. now. i want to go away. to brazil. to be homeless. to knock my own teeth out. to find someone to help me heal. today, i need the help. but i’ll never ask. i’ll never ask you for help. never. not you or anyone. and that is how i will die. no matter how generous. no matter the words or the hugs or the generosity, none of you, not one, have the magic to flip the switch. except that one. the wrong one. the worst one. and i would give back every peso ive ever earned, every mile i have ever traveled and every cabbage patch in my collection to get that back from you. to steal it. to go back and break up with you like i should have done. seal it away and just let me float like i had done for almost three decades. because i was ignorant and dumb and naive. those were the days. when no one had the ability to make my neck pump with blood and my teeth grit with love. back before i was an expert in knowing when i was being lied to. back when i was whole. solid. genuine. when i still fought. when i still believed that i needed the “right” person. but i dont. i need the wrong. because thats how i feel. everything else is fucking chicanery. i want you in hell. no. there i go lying again. i want this piece of me to go straight to hell. i want to be whole again. i want to believe that there is a right place. a right time. a right someone that deserves it. one that makes it feel good about giving. giving me. my time. my whole. someone who doesnt have to make me feel that to truly love someone is to love them when they dont deserve it. i learned the hard way. they said the fire was hot and i just had to go and touch it. no.

i regret you. but i cant make it go away. i wish it would go away. please, just go away.

i decided to open up a new blog coz heck, why not? i already got a gazillion others. plus, i think this is going to be my secret. an unknown blog. away from my friends and family where i can fully pour my heart out without fear of judgment. because really, of all the self-righteous and judgy hendersons of the world, what they think of me is the only thing that matters.